Halloween is just around the corner. You’ve browsed some websites and checked out some costume shops, but you still don’t have a costume. Nothing appeals to you. That authentic Master Chief costume looked awesome, but you don’t want to pay $1500 to not get laid. But don’t lose hope. I have a few costume suggestions that are cheap, thrifty, and most importantly, awesome.
Axe Murderer
Description:
Everybody loves an axe murderer! Remember that Mike Myers movie from the early 90s? No? Hmm. Me neither, come to think of it. Either way, this costume is guaranteed to entertain others.
What You Need:
Axe
Duct tape
Huey Lewis (in person or on cassette, your choice...The News is optional)
How To Assemble:
- Wait until night time.
- With your axe and duct tape, go outside, preferably to a fairly desolated urban area. Downtown on a weeknight works best.
- Find somebody. Anybody. Really.
- Sneak up behind them and duct tape their mouth shut and hands and feet together.
- Bring victim to your residence.
- Play Huey Lewis.
- Say something along the lines of, “Do you like Huey Lewis and the News? Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humour. In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.”
- Scream wildly and kill victim with axe. (Note: Make sure to get plenty of blood splatters on yourself, otherwise people will just think you’re a guy in a plastic raincoat with an axe, and that’s just ridiculous. You don’t want to look ridiculous, do you?)
- Show up at party. Dance the night away!
Ghost
Description:
No need for a description. Everyone knows what a ghost is. But uh oh! All your sheets are covered in piss! Don’t fret, you can easily be a ghost without those pesky sheets.
What You Need:
Knowledge of the occult
Unwillingness to live
How To Assemble:
- Hide in a bush on the side of the street.
- Wait.
- Keep waiting.
- Any minute now.
- Is that a semi-truck coming?
- It is! Alright, wait for it to get closer.
- A little bit closer.
- Now!
- Jump out in front of it!
- Get hit and explode into a bloody, gooey, chunky, unidentifiable mess of a corpse.
- If you did your occult stuff right, you should become a ghost.
- Show up at party. Frighten guests!
Borat
Description:
Jagshemash! Mah name-a Borat! Is nice!
What You Need:
Cheap suit
Silly bushy moustache and hair
Complete lack of originality and dignity
How To Assemble:
- Watch the Borat movie 50 more times (God knows you’ve seen it enough, but you need a refresher!)
- Watch it another 20 more times, just to be safe.
- Wear cheap suit.
- Grow/wear bushy moustache and hair.
- Stare in mirror and practice your awesome Borat impression.
- Cry.
- Show up at party.
- Walk around yelling “JAGSHEMASH!” and “I LIKE YOU, YOU LIKE ME?” very loudly in a Kazakhstani accent even though you don’t really even know what a Kazakhstani accent sounds like.
- Go home.
- Alone, by the way.
- Cry.
- Masturbate.
- Cry.
Whatever
Description:
Anything you want.
What You Need:
Nothing
How To Assemble:
- Show up at party.
- When people ask what you are, scoff and say in a condescending tone, “You don’t know? Oh wow.”
- “I think it’s pretty obvious what I am.”
- “What am I? What are YOU?”
- “The best costume here, duh.”
- Cry with the guy in the Borat costume.
A Giant Sign Advertising This Website
Description:
A giant sign advertising this website.
What You Need:
A giant sign
The URL for this website.
How To Assemble:
- Write the URL for this website on a giant sign.
- Wear the sign.
- Show up at party.
- Be awesome.
- Just do it.
