For some reason, it’s really tough to find a truly great fight scene in a movie. Movies like The Matrix suck because it’s all wires, which is cheating. You can plant a legless guy on a rocket bike and send him soaring across the Sahara desert, but it doesn’t make him the fastest person alive. Then you have fight scenes that are legitimately done, but they just lack the punch (that pun was so fucking intended) necessary for a good fight scene. Fortunately, I’ve been able to round up five that just radiate greatness.
Chuck Norris vs. Asshole – Invasion USA
I didn’t want to link to the whole fight, mainly because the Internet doesn’t have enough bandwidth to contain that much badassery. I was also hesitant to list a Chuck Norris fight because, let’s face it, that whole Chuck Norris fad was pretty fucking lame. Also, this clip isn’t even really a fight. But I have one thing to say in defense of all this - fuck off. Chuck Norris blows up the bad guy with a rocket launcher. Point blank! Incarceration? Nah. Knock him out? No way. Hell, it wouldn’t even suffice to blow up the bad guy’s helicopter as he makes his getaway. No, Chuck Norris cuts through all the bullshit. He cuts through it with a fucking rocket.
Oh, and keep an eye out at 0:20. Chuck Norris is so badass that he pops wood when he’s about to explode a bad guy.
The Warriors vs. The Baseball Furies – The Warriors
Hypothetical scenario: It’s 2AM, you’re on vacation in New York City, you just got out of some hipster-filled bar and you’re drunk as a Scotsman’s ballsweat. You’re stumbling along the street and keel over to unload your stomach contents into a bush. You get up and wipe your mouth, and suddenly you hear a bunch of footsteps running down the street across from you. You look up and you see a gang of tribal-dressed men being chased by a gang of baseball players. Either somebody slipped peyote into your drink, or you stumbled onto the set of The Warriors.
This fight is great because of the pure ridiculousness of it. I know New York City is known for its crazies, but this is a bit much. What’s even crazier is that none of these gang members has a gun. Okay, The Warriors are excused because the plot gives a good reason for them not being strapped, but the baseball clowns? Come on now. I know you need a sense of unity in your gang, but there’s no shame in just dressing the same. Arming yourselves with baseball bats may work in Streets of Rage, but this is New York Fucking City. You might as well dress in leather jackets and fight other gangs using the magic of song and dance.
Kid Ninja vs. Racially Indiscriminate Gang of Bullies – Revenge of the Ninja
I’m not sure why these bullies want to beat up Kid Ninja so badly. It can’t be a race thing, since the gang looks straight out of a high school social studies textbook. It must be the pink shirt. Yeah, definitely the pink shirt. I commend this scene for its observant realism. Too many fight scenes go for perfect choreography, but this scene realizes that kids are FUCKING BRUTAL. When you’re a kid and you’re fighting somebody, there are no rules, and this movie knows it. It features all the trademarks of a playground scrap – the ol’ bitchslap, the trusty dirt-in-the-eyes, the majestic nut punt.
At one point, the token black bully tries running over Kid Ninja with his bicycle. I don’t care what Schwinn’s marketing team says, you cannot run over a ninja’s child with a bicycle. No exceptions.
Stacy Keach vs. Biker Assholes – The Ninth Configuration
There are really only two things you need to know about Stacy Keach:
1) Nobody is better at narrating National Geographic documentaries than him.
2) Do not fuck with him. Ever. And I mean EVER.
I’ve seen a good share of bar fights, and they’re all the same. A couple Affliction T-shirt-wearing douchebags hopped up on Red Bull and Vodka feel a bit too much sexual tension towards each other so they take it out by punching each other in the face a few times until they’re thrown out of the bar. Boring. The problem with these fights is the distinct lack of Stacy Keach. It’s hard to even call this a fight. It is a massacre. I mean, shit, Stacy Keach even fucks up the same guy who just got blown up by Chuck Norris a couple pages back. So next time you’re watching a documentary about New Zealandese penguins, just know the guy narrating it can and most likely will destroy you.
Steve McQueen vs. Women’s Rights – The Getaway
Steve McQueen believes in equality between men and women. Nuff said.
