We live in dire times. I'm not talking about the economy that is being fucked into the ground. I’m not talking about 3rd world poverty. Evil dictators? Nope. I am on my high horse, shouting from the rooftops about the health epidemic sweeping the western world. For the past 30 years, people in western countries have been getting fatter. MUCH fatter. Life expectancies are forecast to plateau for the first time in a century. Is this because we are eating better? Fuck no. Our shelves are simply hitting critical mass. We can’t get any more obese.
But, I am not a doctor. I am not a sociologist. I would like to think I’m an e-preacher, but I am not that either. I don’t give a shit. Food is awesome. This is about something much, much more important. Something in our society from a bygone era: the 'Movie Fat Kid'.
The fat kid occupied a warm place in our hearts. A special place of pity and benevolence. He appealed to our never-ending obsession of the underdog. The other side of this coin, of course, was when the fat kid was cast as the bully. The playground equivalent of Kim Jong Il. He was then the target of our contempt.
Since those glory days of American cinema, fat kid has become a shadow of his former self. He has been demoted to a position in society of a clown or jester. He screws things up, bumbles around, and gets the good skinny kids in trouble through his inept actions. Damn that metabolism.
Does the fat kid not realize his name is an insult? Were his parents aware at birth that he would grow up to be a hilarious, hilarious component of a gang of little children? We may never know, but one thing is for sure: His parents made movies more awesome, and that is something to be commended. The following four fat kids are a celebration of his place in movie history. A snap shot twenty years wide.
Chunk Cohen from The Goonies
played by Jeff Cohen
Chunk, Chunk, Chunk. He never had a chance. The name alone says it all. If he isn’t the quintessential fat kid, I don’t know who is. Buck toothed and cheerful, Chunk bumbles through the whole movie short of breath. The 'Truffle Shuffle' has caused much heartache for fat kids everywhere, but that’s ok. He creates more trouble than he solves, but is endearing 'till the end.
Ham from The Sandlot
played by Patrick Renna
Ham was a mean bitch. This wise cracking smart ass fucked around with everyone. He had no hook. No trademark. His character created the negative opinion that has haunted chubs ever since. Shame on you, Ham. You have sullied the good name of the movie fat kid. Still a funny bastard, though.
Vern Tesio in Stand by Me
played by Jerry O’Connell
Stand By Me is a slightly more serious film, but the fat kid element remains. The cliché seems to be similar as well. Vern is clumsy, annoying, and his slowness almost gets him (and his skinny friend) hit by a fucking train. Here we go again. The stupid fat kid almost killing the skinny kid. This is reminiscent of the “evil Japanese” in old cartoons. It’s no wonder we all hate fat people. Damn you, Hollywood! However, Jerry grew up into a handsome man and is boning Rebecca Romijn as we speak. So, fuck him.
Chowder from Monster House
voiced by Sam Lerner
We now bring you to the new millennium. New technology brings us the computer generated fatty. Chowder returns the fat kid to the glory days of old. A bumbling lovable fool with a soul. He still embodies that clumsy troubled cliché, but manages to be character with enough heart to stand on his own two feet. The future of adolescent cinema fatness.
We can only pray that these wonderful characters will one day waddle their way back onto the big screen. We loved you.
