John Lennon is a God.
If McCartney is your favorite Beatle, you are wrong. In fact, billions of dollars of research funds could be dumped in your direction to find out once and for all what happened to you in your childhood that you grew up so misinformed.
But, this isn’t that article. This article is a whole different beast.Â
As a Beatles fan, there is a defining moment in your life. Many of you have experienced this already, and for some others, this sad day lies ahead. We catch some Beatles documentary on TV late at night, or we pick up a John Lennon “unofficial” biography at the bookstore while we are waiting for our girlfriends or wives to leave the fucking store already. Many different ways exist for this existential breakthrough to smash you in the face, but one day, it happens. We learn. We understand. We read. Unfortunately, we find out.
John Lennon was a complete douchebag.
It’s hard for us to take. We don’t get it. How can this peace-hippie be such a horrible human being? How can such beautiful songs come from such a dirty mouth? We double-check our facts. We rent a different Beatles documentary. We read another John Lennon book. But it’s all the same. Lennon is an asshole. It’s true.
It isn’t easy to cope with. In fact, accepting that John Lennon was a douchebag is much like accepting death.
Step 1: Denial
“Nope, it’s not true. It can’t be. John Lennon was a saint. McCartney was the douchebag. I know it. Lennon never sold his soul to Lexus. Lennon never wrote a song about bobbing your head. Nope, that was McCartney. Yeah, that’s who.”
Step one is a very confusing (yet enlightening) one. How had we never heard this? Is it possible that these documentaries are just biased? Did McCartney rape this documentary just like he raped the film version of “Let it Be?” This is just another McCartney show. Yeah, that’s it. I mean, John Lennon lived in his bed for what seemed like forever to save African babies or something. Would an evil man do this? Well, maybe. Lying in bed is easy. That’s not the point, though. He seemed a bit snarky, but a good guy. Right?
Step 2: Anger
“Why me?! Why John Lennon?! He is a douchebag! This is all wrong, I tell you! All wrong! How can such a great man who did so much good in the world be an asshole?! If black isn’t black, and white isn’t white, then all lines must be erased! Nothing means anything! Nothing is important! My world has been rocked and everything as I knew it is gone.”
Soon after acceptance comes anger. It’s ok to be angry, though. It’s never easy. The important thing to remember here is that you have three steps left. Don’t get too disenchanted.
Step 3: Bargaining
“No no, it’s ok. We can fix this. You can easily cancel out all of his douchebaggery with his greatness. He cheated on his wife? So what, he wrote “Imagine.” He was obnoxious and rude to reporters? Well, he also wrote “Revolution.” Horrible father? You’ve clearly never heard “Mind Games.” Ok, so he may or may not have had sex with gay prostitutes in Hamburg as a means of self-medication. “Strawberry Fields,” anyone? ”
Bargaining. This may happen in a few different ways. It may come about as the way expressed above. However, I have seen many Beatles fans go through this step by bargaining out musicians. John Lennon for Ringo, McCartney for Harrison, etc etc. A real messy step, this one.
Step 4: Depression
“I don’t even care anymore. Everything important is a lie. I don’t even like the Beatles anymore. Yeah, you guys suck. Suck I say. Suck. Lying in bed isn’t so hard, Lennon. It’s easy when your inner child has been raped by your favorite person, like, ever. I’m just going to listen to Zeppelin until I’m numb. If I am numb, you can hurt me anymore, Walrus Man. Stupid walrus…. I hate the walrus, goo goo goo joob.”
Here’s where you give up all hope in the Beatles, and humanity. It isn’t pretty, but it is important to the healing process.
Step 5: Acceptance
“You know what, John Lennon IS a douchebag. But who cares? He is still one of the greatest musicians of all time, and is still so much fucking cooler than McCartney that it’s ridiculous.”
You’re there. You’ve learned, you’ve hurt, you’ve grown. You are a better man for it. The black abyss that is John’s douchebagness has sucked you up, and yet, you’ve come out the other side. And, it’s true what they say, it’s greener here.
Something important has been understood from this process: John Lennon was a douchebag, but that’s good. Being a douchebag is much more kickass than being a pushover. Furthermore, the Beatles were cooler for it. It adds to their strangeness, their essence, dare I say…. Their Beatleness.
Let this be a zen-like lesson for those who have gone through this already. It’s ok. We’ve all been through it. For those who haven’t, use this as a guide. Don't give up.
Heal, my friends. Heal.
