Usually, I try not to express my opinions on this website.  Oh god, haha.  Man it’s hard to keep a straight face while typing that.  Anyway, here’s an opinion of mine: I don’t like boob jobs.  Now, I am not just trying to be all indie by taking the unpopular stance here.  I admit it, I am a man. I like to see ridiculously perky and round boobs as much as the next guy.  But, boob jobs ruin the playing field.

Let me explain:  50 years ago, if you saw a girl with awesomely big boobs, it was a rarity.  It was amazing.  It was like a secret sexy wonder of the world.  These days, every other girl has unnaturally perfect boobs stuffed with plastic.  If I were a girl with naturally big boobs, I would be angered by this trend.

I know this seems shallow, but only because I am talking about sweet, sweet titties.  So, let’s inject this idea into a more acceptable area.  What if it was possible to go pay $2,000 and get a brain surgery that raised your IQ to 160?  Would that not piss off Einstein?  Also, would this not mess with the natural order of things? It’s hard to admit, but without shitty things, how can we judge greatness? We need stupid people.  Likewise, we need disgustingly small A-cups.

This is why I love seeing a good ol’ fashioned botched boob job.  Oh, you thought it would be easier to inflate your tits than develop a personality?  Well, now you have lumpy nipples.  You think it’s worth the health risks to “get ahead in your career?”  Haha, one of your boobies popped.  It’s instant karma at its finest.  John Lennon would be proud.

Some boob jobs get so messed up that it essentially ruins the woman’s life, is incredibly painful, and many surgeries have to be done to even mildly fix the issue.  While this is still kinda funny, no one wants to see pictures that gross.  So, I will be focusing on very special kinds of breast augmentation mishaps: the ones that are bad, but the girls continue to flaunt them off as if nothing is wrong.  As far as I understand, there are five main types of these wonders:

Mammary Valley

Usually, saying a girl has “mountains” is a complement.  The term conjures up images of giant, plentiful mounds of joy.  However, these mountains are not supposed to have valleys you could sail a ship through.  It’s a shame, really.  She seems like a very sweet girl.  If she didn’t have these horrid implants, she would be very pretty.  Haha, just kidding.  Whore.

Overcompensating

I know I said that huge valleys are unattractive, but this slut has gone a bit too far.  Jesus Christ.  It seems as though she had one centered breast, and a doctor just split it in two.  Oh, also, if you ever wondered if CVS brand oil is used on the set of pornographic films, the answer is yes.

Meteor Smash

We are all aware that sometimes small meteors fall from space.  However, I don’t think we are all aware of the dangers.  A small meteor could ruin your house’s roof or car’s windshield.  In rare cases, they can smash right into your boob making a breast-crater that will stick with you for life.  Poor girl.

Carpenter Boobs

There are tons of plastic surgery reality shows on television these days.  Unfortunately, most of us now know entirely too much about the procedure.  It is clear that these elite surgeons utilize the most advanced tools around.  However, while they may have a five-million dollar fat-vacuum, they seem to have forgotten the basics.  Any good carpenter knows that a good level is the key to making a solid home.  Boob-doctors could learn a thing or two from these guys.

Geometry Problem

I’m definitely not an expert, but last time I checked, boobs are supposed to be round.  Also, I don’t read the gossip magazines while I am checking out at the grocery store, but I really hope that random shapes are not the new thing.  One round, one square?  It’s only a matter of time until triangles and heptagons make an appearance.

Breast implants seem to be a trend that will never end.  The days of natural boobs seem to be over.  The magic is gone.  It’s all a lie. Searching for nice natural boobs will soon be a memory. On the bright side, though, we can all laugh at whores who ruin their bodies when something goes horribly wrong. Skanks: amusing in so many ways.