Spam mail is not only an awesome way to buy cheap products, it also teaches us a lot about life. Here are five things we've all learned from our Spam Box:
There are a lot of wealthy Princes trapped in Africa.
Email in question: "PRIVATE/CONFIDENTIAL PLEASE HELP TRAPPED NIGERIAN PRINCE"
Oh these poor, poor noble men. From what I can gather, children in Royal African families wander outside and get captured and thrown into a prison with internet access. However, instead of contacting authorities via the interweb, they begin guessing email addresses. Wow, my email address is: “ This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .” How the hell did he guess that? What a well travelled and opinionated African Prince! So, I send you enough money to escape, and you send me 2 billion dollars? Awesome. Thanks to me, 45 African princes are now free. Laugh, sure. But you just wait, I’m going to be rich.
The UK has a lot of randomly selected email lotteries.
Email in question: "UK AWARD LOTTERY CASH OUT 2008."
Who doesn’t get one of these everyday? I mean, why are they trying to pay us in Euros? Spam artists (I prefer spam “douchebags”) should know that the US dollar is a much more acceptable form of payment in lottery terms. Much more believable. Also, they should know that there are a lot more dumbasses per capita in the US, so they would probably make a lot more money if they changed that little Euro sign to a US Dollar sign. I’m a thinker.
Your girlfriend is a whore.
Email in question: "Your girlfriend having sex. Watch the video ^)"
Oh shit, you have a video of my girlfriend having sex? Sweet! Lemme just download this virus really quick and I’ll watch it. I wonder what she looks like naked?
People are very enthusiastic about your penis size.
Email in question: "Save $ With us, ViagraCailis from $1.21/pill, fast delivery guaranteeed RESLLY HUGE! YES! eszyfo nxbi"
Well thanks stranger! I am so glad you took time out of your day to discuss my penis size. Your product will increase my penis size by 2 inches?! Holy shit! I’m going to need something stronger.
The Red Cross can’t manage to get past spam filters.
Email in question: “PLEASE HELP TSUNAMI VICTIMS, HELP TSUNAMI VICTIMS”
Ok, most spam is a bit harmless. Most spam is easily detected. Most people that fall for spam and get their identity stolen make me laugh. I laugh at them, for a while. It’s funny, because they are stupid. I mean, without spam, what would I have to wade through each morning when I get to work? What would be there to annoy the shit out of me? What would I have written this article about? I’m not creative. Without spam mail, you would be staring at a white page. But even I have to admit, this is a bit fucking low. While profiting from disaster isn’t anything every major news network hasn’t done 400 times over, it’s still weird to see in e-mail form. Hey Red Cross, get a new email client.
