Too Long; Didn't Read

I’m not going to explain what the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is. First of all, I hate writing it because I always mistype Hadron as Hardon and I’m really scared of what that implies about me. Second of all, if you don’t know what it is, you know so little about what’s going on today that you probably still think Ernest P. Worrell is a relevant American hero. Seriously, I asked a homeless crackhead about the LHC the other day and he was able to write me a 10-page dissertation on its potential impact on South American rainforests. So if you don’t know about it, tough titties.

When you watch a Rambo movie, your first thought afterwards is usually, “Dammit, where’s the Kleenex? I gotta wipe up the mess from this giant killgasm.” Your second thought is usually, “Cool stuff, but highly unrealistic in my professional view.” Well, take off your monocle you pretentious bastard because I’m about to blow your mind.